Anyone who struggles with an autoimmune disease knows that stress and the corresponding exhaustion brought on by stress intensify symptoms and can induce flare-ups, which are never fun. I did not feel good during the majority of this battle for Theo, but even without factoring in the health struggles, it was not easy balancing everything on my plate during this process. Theo was my number one priority and focus because he had to be, but I still had a family to watch over, my church to shepherd, and my ministry to tend to. Life doesn’t stop when you are walking through the fire, and the only reason I didn’t get burned was because of the beautiful people who were covering me in prayer. Their prayers protected and shielded me from the flames and helped me to keep fighting, and it is not an exaggeration to say this was the biggest fight of my life.
I lost my father during this season, and in addition to the natural process of mourning him, I also had to grieve shifts in the construct of my ministry without him. On the heels of this loss, my sweet mom broke her back, which presented multiple challenges, and my brother spent an extended amount of time in the OSU Critical Care Unit due to liver and kidney failure. We didn’t know if he would survive, and my sister, who suffers from ongoing mental illnesses, was relying heavily on me for emotional and physical support. It seems that there is one person in every family who takes care of things and is always there; that is me. If you are that person, you understand what this entails. Even though it is hard, I regularly praise God that I am able to fulfill my family obligations.
On top of all this, there were people who left the church during this spell, which put an additional financial strain on the ministry. I stopped receiving a paycheck, at my request, because I wanted the bills to be paid so we could continue operating the church and being the beacon of light that we are. I love my family, my church, my ministry, and all that God has called me to, but there were times when I thought I did not have enough in me to go around; however, God made it so I could keep going.
I am not looking for sympathy; I’m not that person. But I think it is important to remember that we don’t always know what people are going through or what is happening behind the scenes, so kindness, consideration, and compassion should always be extended to others. It will go much further and produce more fruit than judgment, disapproval, and criticism. I share these private glimpses of my life with you because it’s another layer of this story that I hope helps Theo understand how very much I loved him and how hard I was willing to fight for him. I did my very best for him and I always will.
Theo had some great people who loved on him and fought right alongside us. They felt the fire, the heartache, the fear, the anger, and the doubt as well; our experiences became their experiences. This was a small circle of people that I trusted with the inner workings of Theo’s case and all that it demanded. They loved Theo, Denyse, and me with their whole hearts. I’m not sure what I would have done without them. They were a big part of the narrative, and they will remain in the manuscript of Theo’s storybook forever.
I shared my struggles, concerns, ailments, and more with them because I knew they would respect my inner feelings and privacy and keep it to themselves. I didn’t have to worry about them running their mouths or jumping on the gossip train because they are not made of that cloth. My dad always said, “Loose lips sink ships,” and that could have been the case in our situation. You just never knew what could be twisted and used against you. And to be honest, it was difficult at times to know who was for you and who was against you. This truth led to paranoia at times.
I told our support team when I had fallen short and when I needed extra prayers, and they never let me down. We lived James 5:16 (KJV) during this process: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” You know who you are. Your prayers and faith helped bring forth the victory. I will forever be grateful for you.
I think the delays in Theo’s case hit me harder sometimes due to how I process things and because of my emotional construct. Even though I wish my heart didn’t always hurt as it does or get so deeply invested, I thank God that it does. I used to be hard-hearted and disconnected emotionally, and that was not very attractive. One of my life verses is Ezekiel 36:26 (NIV): “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” God did exactly what He said He would do for me – He exchanged my heart of stone for a heart of love. This doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a little fight in me, but the lover leads the way.
On July 25, 2022, Denyse received a call from CPS to see if she could keep Theo for a while because his grandma was having health issues and would be in the hospital. The issue we had was that we were scheduled to fly out the next day to Florida for our annual ministers’ conference. This is a pretty big deal for us every year. Denyse told them that she wasn’t sure what to do, and they said they could just put him in respite care, which is when someone already approved by CPS would take him for short-term needs such as this. Once again, that gave us a sick feeling in the pit of our bellies, not because they would be bad people, but because Theo wouldn’t know them and we knew he would be miserable, knowing his temperament, personality, preferences, and deep attachment to Denyse. So, CPS said that his grandma could sign a paper giving us permission to take Theo with us. She was willing to do this, so we got the form signed and registered him with the airlines.
He was under two, so he didn’t need his own seat, which worked out perfectly. This was his first time in an airport, on a plane, in Florida, at the beach, or in a fancy hotel, and he was an absolute champ. It was amazing to share all of these firsts with him, but every time I pondered these things in my heart, my heart broke a little bit because I knew we would have to take him back to a life without us and his beautiful, Godly support team.
It was experiences like this that wove Theo and Denyse together even tighter. She was so good at taking care of him and doing all the things a good mom does. I was in awe of how she did this because it wasn’t easy; he was still in diapers, toddling around, not the best sleeper or eater, and several other challenges due to his experiences, but she always knew what to do. I didn’t have that kind of expertise or life experience. I had “Ask a Nurse” on speed dial and wanted to take him to the hospital for every inverted sneeze, fever, cough, or funny look. If I had a dollar for every time Denyse shook her head at me, well, I would have a pocketful. We all admired her for how amazing she was with Theo.
I have always been soft when it comes to loving people, not good with discipline, correction, or rebukes. I can come across as somewhat hard and tough, but I am a marshmallow when it comes to others shedding tears. That might be one reason that I give people so many chances. Now, throw the cutest baby in the world into the mix, and I am marshmallow crème. Denyse had to be the one; she was always the one.
When Theo needed medicine, there would be an actual WWE smackdown in our house. He fought like an alley cat, refused to open his mouth, stiffened up like a board, and I even think I saw him do an alligator death roll a couple of times. If Denyse did get a little bit in his mouth, he would spit it out. She would get so frustrated with him. I felt so bad for Theo that I wanted to cry myself. Notice, I did not take Denyse’s feelings into consideration. I was a hot mess. I usually tried to sneak out of the room.
I felt like a coward, but I didn’t want to be a part of this traumatic event; it was just horrible. Yes, I was that dramatic when it came to things of this nature with the first little boy that I loved like my own. One day Denyse, covered in heavy red syrup that matched the mad red on her face, said, “I need your help.” What? Are you actually going to ask me to hold this child still while you stick a syringe filled with medicine down his throat? The audacity. I finally accepted that it was for his own good and made a realization that if I was going to help raise him, I had to be in on the hard parts of parenting as well as the pleasant parts. Thank goodness the fiasco of forced medicine didn’t last long.
Denyse, bless her heart, always took the lead with the difficult parts of parenting, such as the discipline and saying no to that sweet little Gerber baby face. I truly wasn’t much help in this realm, but I did try to follow her lead as much as possible because she knew what she was doing, and I wanted to come into alignment with her. She was very resolute and structured when it came to Theo, and he needed that; all children need that. All I had to do was look at the young man Denyse had already raised to know that she was a great mom. I, on the other hand, had a lot to learn.