Since Theo’s grandmother was blood, there was a good chance that he would go to her after the adjudication hearing. Denyse and I were beyond torn about this possibility. She wasn’t an ideal candidate to care for him, but she was a better choice than his bio-mom and, after all, she was family. What we didn’t know at the time was that his grandmother had a history with CPS, a rather dark history, and that her home life was not as stable, clean, and innocent as it had appeared. There were a lot of details that had been left out of her story. For example, we knew that she had an on-again, off-again relationship with her long-time live-in boyfriend, but it appeared they finally had it together. They both seemed to love Theo a lot. What we didn’t know at the time was that the relationship was volatile, and pornography and alternative living had ruled and reigned in their home and lives. I will share more about this later on in the story. It comes with a warning.
At the end of the adjudication hearing, the judge said that CPS had provided compelling evidence that Theo was in harm’s way with his bio-parents and that they would not be granted custodial rights of him at this time. As things were wrapping up, we could hear the bio-mom’s lawyer and the prosecutor talking about Theo’s grandmother invoking her kinship rights until permanent custody was determined. However, they were informed that the adjudication hearing was not the place for the petition to be decided on, and it had to go through a separate hearing. They made plans for that to happen in the near future, but grandma could not take Theo home at this time.
Denyse and I found ourselves at a critical crossroads we weren’t really prepared for at the end of this hearing. We anticipated that Theo would be going home with his grandmother if the judge did not rule for the bio-parents because they convinced us it was going to happen that way. At this juncture, none of his biological family were permitted to keep him, so if he didn’t stay with us, he would go into foster care until the courts decided if his grandmother could have him, via kinship, until permanent custody was established.
I remember being out in the hallway after the decision had been made, talking to CPS about Theo’s possible placement, confused by the whole proceeding. Denyse was breaking down; I was holding sobs back, and then I saw Theo’s bio-mom walking by crying, or putting on a cry I should say. I immediately went at her because of the pain that I saw Denyse in, who had invested so much love, care, concern, and bonding time with Theo while his bio-mom just went on to live her own life with no care in the world, so to speak. Our hearts were shattered by the fact that we were losing Theo. I yelled out, “What are YOU crying for? You have nothing in this.” I was so heated that the bailiff and a court official told me to settle down or they would have to deal with me.
I lost my temper, which wasn’t right. I admit that my temper sometimes gets the best of me, but I have come a long way in this realm. I blame it on the fact that I am a passionate person who loves hard and that I am predominantly Irish. I also use the righteous anger defense. My team and I joke about that being justification ministry, but I know those kinds of outbursts are not funny or pleasing to God, so I have to take ownership of them, repent, and do better. At one point in this process, I was banned from the courtroom, not by the judges or court officials but by Theo’s support team, my people, because it was difficult for me to listen to the lies and accusations without wanting to respond, squirming in my seat, or showing my emotions. It was a good call. So, I stayed with Theo while the court hearings took place from this point on.
After emotions settled down a little, I remember the conversation returning to finding Theo a foster home. I have never felt that numb or empty. Theo would have to be placed with people he didn’t know, strangers to him, which was a horrible burden to bear, but we weren’t ready to take on this responsibility. He was barely 14 months old, and our lives and ministry were just opening up for us. We tried to talk ourselves into feeling good about what we had done because we had been there for the whole family and did everything possible to protect Theo, love on him, and bring him the stability of a good life during this stage of the battle. But our call to duty was over, and no one judged us for walking away or handing off the baton to a foster family. Many actually supported us in this decision and said it was the right choice to make for our sakes, but it didn’t feel right.
Denyse and I left the courthouse and headed for her truck. We got in, and at the same time, we both blurted out, “I don’t think I can do this.” We couldn’t hand him off to strangers or abandon him at this point. We both agreed that together we could care for Theo and give him a safe, loving place to land and find security. We made a vow at that time that the two of us would make whatever sacrifices necessary to take care of Theo. I said, “Can you run back in and tell [the CPS representative] that we will foster Theo before he makes that call?” She immediately jumped out of the truck and flew into the courthouse, and we were granted the gift of Theo for another season.
Neither one of us thought that we would raise Theo permanently at this point in our lives; that wasn’t our intention. It was truly to keep him safe and with people he loved who loved him. After all, we were in our late 50’s. Denyse had already raised a son, and we had a lot of life ahead of us to do the things we had never done. Our golden years were creeping in. Raising a child? That was not part of the plan. I guess I should preface this with, at least not a part of our plan, but it was definitely God’s plan for the two of us, which eventually became the three of us. We did not know when we made this vow that it was going to be such a long, grueling, and painful endeavor. It was darker at times than we could have ever imagined. We enlisted for the fight of our lives.