The Story of Theo: Part 10

God gave Denyse and me time to get used to living together under duress through the challenges of Covid. I know this was an intentional part of God’s plan in developing our relationship. As for everyone affected, the onset of Covid brought to both of us a great deal to sort through and to come to terms with. People had a lot of opinions, and there was much heated debate around the topic of Covid. It broke many people and relationships. It was horribly sad, but as we worked through it individually, we realized that we were on the exact same page, so we moved forward together in our approach to life in a Covid-driven world. This was important as we continued to minister alongside each other during this time and remained compatible housemates.

Covid could have broken our friendship, but instead it built it up. We learned so much about each other during that time. We already knew that our spiritual and core beliefs aligned, but we learned that our philosophy of life was very much in sync. We discovered then, even though we are very different (our personalities are polar opposites), we agreed on more than we disagreed on. This would become very important for the next surprise of our lives. Covid had bonded us together even tighter, and the unity, agreement, and support in our friendship would become essential in passing the next big test: caring for a bouncing 14-month-old baby boy. We were in this together from the beginning.

If we hadn’t established such a tight bond and understanding of each other, this lifestyle change would have eaten us up. I have never had children; I’m not even an auntie, and I am the queen of isolation, peace, and quiet. I don’t have the TV or radio playing during the day, and I thrive in solitude and silence. Hence, the choice to live alone when I had the option: ten years of just me and my dog. It was perfect in that way. I didn’t know that I could want and need anything different, but the Lord did. He always knows.

As stated before, I was devastated when I lost my little sanctuary in the country, but most grateful for a friend who had a second bedroom in her newly acquired condo. Yuck, condo living! I had been there, done that, burned the t-shirt, and never planned on going back to it or having an HOA, but I was beyond grateful that I had a nice place to figure out what my next step was going to be. Those of you that know me know that an HOA stresses me out. I struggle with following ridiculous man-made rules and regulations geared towards control and uniformity. A lot of times these protocols are written up by people who don’t have a clue about real life. They are aggravating to me, but once you sign the agreement, you have to comply. This is easy for Denyse because she is a follow-the-rules-to-a-tee type of girl; I am a bend-the-rules-until-it-snaps-back and hits you in the face type of girl, especially if said rules do not make sense.

I really thought I was going to hate living at the condo, but I began to enjoy it and eventually love it. No, I couldn’t hang café lights on the balcony, park my golf cart on site, or allow the dog to bark at more than one delivery driver a day. But I could step out my back door and fish, I didn’t have to worry about the upkeep of the property, and I could walk to Dollar General. I also came to love lake life and the vibe of the lake, especially during the holidays. I was truly happy here. God can change your outlook on anything if you are willing to take the chance and step into the plan He has for you, even if it doesn’t line up with who you think you are or what you want at the time.

I’m not saying that I want to live the condo life forever because I want Theo to have a backyard to play in and neighborhood kids to grow up with, but in the meantime, he has one of the biggest swimming holes in the county in his backyard and plenty of fish to pull out of the lake with his Paw Patrol pole. He is the only child that lives in the entire complex year-round, so he has no neighborhood friends. He does, however, have a four-legged, Golden Retriever friend, River, who wants him to come out to play every day. They swim together, play fetch, dive into the water together, and have so much fun with each other. In the winter, they can take walks across the ice, have snowball fights, and play hide and seek. Theo loves River and vice versa. The two of them together draw quite a crowd at times.

We jump on the golf cart often and go to the park so Theo can play with kids his age. He doesn’t know a stranger, so he can make friends anywhere. I love that about him. Theo has a really good life, and I inherited a good life in the process because I surrendered to God. Maybe He had to break me first, take everything I cared about away from me, before I would lay my life down. I accept that and thank God every day of my life for getting me to where I am in life and who I am in life with.

Now that we got a little housekeeping out of the way, let’s start at the beginning of the legal progression of the custody battle that we found ourselves embroiled in. First on the agenda was Theo’s adjudication hearing. A court date was set for January 5, 2022 (approximately six weeks after Denyse had picked him up at bio-mom’s apartment). An adjudication hearing in a CPS case is a bench trial where a judge determines whether the state’s allegations of child abuse, neglect, or dependency are true. It is the critical “fact-finding” stage that dictates whether the court will officially intervene in the family’s life. This hearing acts as a deciding factor for the CPS agency’s ongoing involvement and the child’s placement.

The burden of proof at this time is on CPS to present sufficient evidence to substantiate the claims in their petition. The general requirements to deem a child as dependent (receiving inadequate care for any reason, the reason may or may not be the parent’s fault, such as homelessness, destitution, etc.) are neglect, which includes failure to thrive and parental incapacity; abuse, which includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; or status offenses, which include truancy, incorrigibility, and ungovernability. There is also a subsection that applies to a parent who has had parental rights involuntarily terminated as to another child within the past three years and is currently engaging in conduct that poses a risk to the well-being of the current child in their care. There were multiple boxes, according to the definition above, that could be checked to deem Theo dependent, but it would be the judge’s call.

There was no doubt in my mind that Theo was being inadequately cared for, which equates to being neglected. I wasn’t sure that his parents had the mental capacity to care for a child, especially his father. They had already lost one child to CPS due to drug use and now were exhibiting some of the same types of behavior that brought that ending; however, CPS still had to prove it. The adjudication hearing is the first step in this very long, drawn-out process. If the court finds that the evidence presented to them corroborates the belief of CPS that it is not in the best interest of the child to be returned to his family, the judge will make a ruling that the child stay under the care of CPS until the case is resolved.

I remember being in the courtroom for this hearing and barely being able to breathe. I was so scared about how this might go. All I knew was that I wanted what was best for Theo. The judge could decide that the findings did not substantiate the continued separation of him from his family, and his bio-family could take him with them that day. I thought about how scared and confused Theo would be and how much he would miss Denyse, me, and the life and routine we had been building.

He already suffered severe separation anxiety from Denyse. I remember her having to walk her dog and me holding Theo while they went. He was so fearful of her walking out the door. He would cry and scream and try with all his might to follow after her, even though we assured him that she would be right back and that she wasn’t leaving him. She came back every night, and he was still scared that she wouldn’t. It took us some time, but he got through that intense fear. However, to this day, he still struggles at times when he doesn’t know exactly where she is, whether that be in the house, outside, or on an errand. Something affected him deeply as a baby regarding being left or unattended.

At this point in the case, I absolutely did not want Theo to go back to his bio-mom and dad. I would rather he go into a good foster home than back with them. However, there was a third option that we had been hearing about through Theo’s bio-family: his maternal grandmother petitioned to take over kinship rights from Denyse in the event that the judge maintained CPS’s standing as legal guardian of him, based on the fact that she was Theo’s blood family. We were trying to reconcile the possibility that he would go home with her if he didn’t go home with his bio-parents.

It made sense that they would grant her this right, and maybe it would be good for him to have a blood-family connection. Once again, it was out of our hands, and we were just trying to make peace with any decisions that were made because we had absolutely no say in this. I didn’t realize until we were involved in this child custody case that we wouldn’t have a legal voice in the matter – actually, no voice at all – and that was very hard. Kinship caregivers and foster parents have to take it as it comes regarding the children in their care. That realization brought sadness to my heart for all the beautiful people out there who care for and foster children that are not their own, who make so many sacrifices and love so hard yet technically have no say in the case.