The Story of Theo: Part 9

I occasionally had to be reminded that the goal in cases like Theo’s is for reunification. That word itself burned a hole in me. Now you may wonder why that word created such a response in me; I am a Christian, a pastor, a minister to the brokenhearted, and the first to give second, third, and fourth chances to people who have made poor choices, but this felt different, besides the fact that I was personally invested. I didn’t see Theo’s bio-mom as being able to or wanting to be rehabilitated because she didn’t believe she was broken. She stood fast to the belief that she was the victim. This horrible life of hers was the only life she had ever known, and in her mind, there wasn’t anything wrong with it. But it was a life of hell that we did not want Theo to live. We both had nightmares about him going back to that environment and the awful things he would have endured.

The generational curses that still had bio-mom in their clutches ran deep. Her evil mother still dominated her, and her mental illnesses and addiction held her captive. It was just too much. I felt like we had done everything to set her on the right path, and it was all a ruse; she wasn’t serious about changing anything. There were times when I would think about her – the person, the young lady – and feel so bad for her that my heart would ache and my eyes would burn with tears. I felt sad and sorry that she was given this lot in life. Some of it was earned due to poor decisions, but a lot of it she was born into. Either way, I am not sure she could help it. This realization made the resolve to protect Theo from this insane, cursed, dark upbringing even stronger.

I wanted better for Theo’s bio-mom, but we weren’t the ones who could help her at this point. Our focus now had to be on the precious little boy who was in our physical care. Theo had a chance to know better, to do better, to be better, and Denyse and I were willing to sacrifice anything to help towards this end. To be clear, we did not know until partway through this battle that we would agree to raise him permanently if the opportunity arrived, but while we had him, we wanted to show him that there was another way.

There are a lot of great families in the foster care system, and we believed that CPS could find Theo one, but it was getting more and more difficult to think about him not being with us. Night after night I would observe him sleeping so peacefully, usually falling asleep in my arms, so safe, and so loved, just listening to his breathing, watching the rise and fall of his chest, looking at his tiny little hands, and thinking about his innocence. I shuddered at the thought of him having to go back; he didn’t deserve a life of chaos, insecurity, danger, and neglect. There were times that we feared the worst, that we may not have a choice; he may have to go back to his bio-family. Those thoughts crept in and haunted us for years.

Nighttime was the worst time for me in my thinking. The day had slowed down, and it was time to settle into rest and sleep, but the darkness and silence of the night brought intense fear into my heart and soul at times. What if? I just wasn’t sure I could take it. I thought my heart might explode. I even doubted that I would be able to continue pastoring or ministering. I thought I would just move away and open a hot dog stand on a beach somewhere, just me and a dog named Mr. Bojangles. I have never known fear like that.

That occasionally grim reminder from CPS that the ultimate goal in every custody case, including this one, is to reunify the child and parents was scary. I just couldn’t reconcile the thought of Theo being exposed to their lifestyle, but there was nothing I could do but be there for and with Denyse and Theo through the process. I had made up my mind I was going to be a present, active support in this process, no matter what people thought or said. People tried to make it something that it wasn’t; many of them were Christians trying to put a label on our situation, arrangement, and choice to do this together. We did not give it much attention because we knew that God had orchestrated this arrangement, and that is all we needed to know to keep doing what we were doing. We understood that it could have been perceived in a certain way, but there was no reason to defend ourselves because we knew the truth. People are going to say what they are going to say.

I had a few people in my life who jumped on the gossip train. A couple of them were conductors of this train; they spread lies, false notions, and baseless assumptions about the way I was living my life. They eventually disassociated from me based on their tainted perception of the little family I was a part of. They were uncomfortable with it, so they judged it, condemned it, and tried to tarnish it, but they couldn’t because God created light to shine through this situation, and the glory went to Him and Him only, and it will continue to go to Him. Amen! Hallelujah!

I will shout from the mountaintops for the rest of my life my gratitude to God for this miracle of Theo, thankful that He stripped me of all encumbrances so I could run this race to win. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1). I had to “throw mama off the train,” so to speak, because they brought the wrong spirit into the situation. So, I, too, had to disassociate from certain people, and I was ok with that.

I would not have been able to endure until the end if I had tried to carry the weight of other people’s issues regarding Theo’s case and my involvement while still carrying the pressures of the intense battle we were still warring for him. As our story played out and some of the people in my story began to show their hand, it really wasn’t that hard to let them go. People are going to be people, and even Christians miss it sometimes. I had to move on in a positive light, curbing my hurt, anger, and unforgiveness for what they had said and done. That was on them, not me. I knew that God would use all of this for the good because He said He would: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). The things that were meant to harm me or hurt me, God turned around for good. That’s His Word, and I’m sticking to it.

I’m not saying that the losses didn’t affect me or that I didn’t care about the things and people I lost along the way because I did, but it was all a part of God’s plan for my life. My stomach still flutters a bit when I think about the forfeiture of the little blue house in the country. To this day, when I drive by, which is not often, I turn my head away and don’t look. I think the bigger part of that is that, in my mind, I see Bernie everywhere on that property, and I still miss my boy, but I don’t miss my life before Theo. My life is with him now, and I have no regrets. The Scripture that I held on to for dear life during this journey was Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” All that matters is that I am living God’s plan for my life. It’s the same truth for all of you.