The Story of Theo: Part 8
As stated before, I have been all in from the beginning of this story. I wanted to be a part of Theo’s life and, most definitely, share all of his firsts. I’m pretty sentimental that way. Watching him grow and develop has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I can’t tell you how many times in a day I thank God for the gift of this little boy. But it hasn’t always been easy or pretty.
Theo lagged behind a little in his speech, so in February of 2022, CPS suggested that we sign him up with Help Me Grow, which was one of the best decisions made on Theo’s behalf in his early development. I remember him getting so frustrated and mad because we couldn’t understand what he was trying to communicate with us. He would get red-faced, the veins would pop out in his little neck, and he would scream and cry because we couldn’t figure out what he was trying to articulate. I felt horrible. Denyse, in true Denyse fashion, took it in stride and said that it was just a part of Theo’s process. There were so many times in this process that I wish I could have thought the way Denyse did, but I didn’t. We are like night and day when it comes to how we process emotions, thoughts, and situations. One of the beautiful parts of our friendship is that we tend to balance each other out.
The goal of Help Me Grow was to get Theo ready for pre-school at the Discovery Center for the school year of 2023-24. I wasn’t a fan of him starting pre-school when he was 3 years old. To me, he was just a baby, and he shouldn’t have to go to school for 16 years. Sixteen years! It gave me angst just thinking about this commitment for him. It choked me out a little bit, and maybe this reaction was because it was a commitment for me as well. I made my opinion known, as always, when it came to Theo’s life, and my voice was heard and my thoughts taken into consideration, which I genuinely appreciated, but I knew that I did not have the final say. I was supportive no matter what decisions were made on Theo’s behalf, and starting him at Discovery Center at 3 years old checked all the boxes for his educational needs, socialization, and growth and development. I quickly conceded. I am so thankful for Discovery Center and forever will be a fan! They were a very important part of Theo’s life, and many of them always will be.
I was present for as many of the Help Me Grow sessions as I could be in on, the ones that didn’t include Theo’s bio-mom or bio-grandma. Yes, you heard me right; they were allowed to be in on these sessions. Once again, I thought it was ridiculous. They didn’t even want him to go to Help Me Grow because they didn’t think he needed it. They bucked us every step of the way. I was so blessed that I had a faithful, powerful prayer team interceding for me on the daily because I was a hot mess at times.
I remember the first word that Theo spoke clearly: it was mom, and it was to Denyse. He called her mom. We hadn’t coached him, nor had anyone else. It took us back because we didn’t know where it had come from. He had only ever heard her referred to as Denyse. He made this connection on his own. I believe there is an innate connection that every child has to the one who nurtures them, and Denyse was definitely that person. We really couldn’t explain it other than that it was from God. We didn’t try to correct him; we just celebrated with him that he had spoken his first word. Theo didn’t hold back from that point on calling Denyse Mom and, eventually, added Mommy to his list of vocabulary words. That is who she was to him.
This became another sticking point with Theo’s biological family. They were irate because he referred to Denyse as Mom. They accused us of coaxing him to call her that. We were reminded very vociferously that Denyse was not his mom. They made sure to tell Theo that, too. I’m not sure how much of this he comprehended at first, but he has always been very perceptive and smart. I think he got it, but he just didn’t know what to do with it. Once again, they didn’t care if it brought confusion to Theo at this very young, vulnerable age. They were just mad about it, so every chance they got, they would tell him that Denyse was not his mom and that we were not his family. They told him that Denyse already had a son and that she didn’t want Theo to be her son. Can you imagine?!
Bio-mom also told him at every visitation that he would be coming home with her soon. He didn’t even know what that meant. He thought he already had a home, and it was with us. As a matter of fact, from the time he was 3 years old, he thought he had already been adopted. I will never forget one day when we were riding in the van together, and he was just babbling away to himself, happy as a lark, when he stopped and said so clearly, “Thank you guys for adopting me.” It blindsided us. We both said something like, “You don’t have to thank us for that, Theo. We love you, and we wanted you in our life.” Once again, we didn’t correct him because he seemed comforted by that thought. It was his calm place.
We hadn’t talked to him about adoption because we were still a long way off from this case being resolved, but we desired with everything in our hearts for Denyse to be granted permanent custody of Theo so she could adopt him. It was hard living every day knowing that it was a long shot that the case would go in our favor and that there was a chance he could be taken away from us and reunited with his bio-family, whom he didn’t know very well and whom we didn’t think he deserved to grow up with.
Theo began to thank us for adopting him on a regular basis, and we realized then that Theo was always thinking about and processing what was going on around him. He was trying to make sense of it all. I believe it was his way of letting us know that he was happy where he was, and he did not want to live anywhere else with anybody else. I thought his insights and comprehension were brilliant for his age, but Denyse would temper me down and remind me that he was a typical three-year-old; smart, but typical. I never bought into that nonsense. I just knew he was gifted. I had become like a lot of parents that I used to roll my eyes at: those parents who think their child is the brightest, smartest, greatest, never does anything wrong, cutest human being alive. The Lord has a way of humbling me as nobody else can.
When Theo’s bio-mom would tell him that he was going to live with her, he locked that fear and confusion inside him and went along with her claims because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He had never gone anywhere with her, let alone to stay overnight or move away from Denyse. This scared the bejeebers out of him, and we started having issues with him not wanting to close his eyes and go to sleep, waking up from nightmares, not wanting to go to school (which he loved), and having severe separation anxiety from Denyse. He was having more meltdowns at school and spent a lot of time in the calming corner, isolating himself because he was struggling. Shame on them.
We endured countless battles like this. Everything became a big deal because bio-mom made it a big deal, which made everything much more difficult than it had to be. You would think that she would just have been thankful that her son wasn’t in a foster home with strangers and that he was being well cared for and deeply loved. We were convinced that she did nothing with the best interests of Theo in mind; it was all about punishing us and satiating her desire to make us and CPS look bad. From the beginning, her drive was to win, to beat CPS, because she had already lost custody of a son and it was, in her own mind’s eye, CPS’s fault. She said they targeted her. I believe we became her enemies by our now mandatory association with CPS. We were just following the rules and doing what was asked of us.
I think part of the reason that bio-mom called and asked Denyse to come and get Theo on that cold day in November and gave her kinship rights was that she thought she would be able to see Theo anytime she wanted and do whatever she wanted to do with him. She thought she could manipulate Denyse, possibly because she had pulled the wool over our eyes in the past. I guess she didn’t know Denyse as well as she thought she did. Denyse is not a rule breaker; she’s not even a rule bender. She was going to follow protocol, and no amount of shaming, name-calling, or slander was going to move her. She had no problem or issues with complying.
Surprise, surprise, I had some problems with the things being asked of Denyse because I didn’t see the justice in it, but CPS followed protocol too. I didn’t understand how a mother who didn’t know her son and hadn’t cared for her son in almost two years had the right to witness his first haircut or hear his first spoken words. Why should she automatically have the right to enjoy these kinds of milestones? She hadn’t done any of the work or made any sacrifices to raise Theo. Why should any parent who has repeatedly neglected a child, picked men and drugs over their child, and refused to follow a care plan have any rights to said child? The child or children were removed from their care for valid reasons, but biological parents have certain rights until they don’t. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. I tried to extend mercy and grace to her, but it was difficult at times. I coveted God’s forgiveness because I needed it a lot along the way.