The Story of Theo: Part 7
Denyse got a call from Theo’s bio-mom on November 24, 2021, to come right away to get Theo because CPS was at her door, prepared to take him out of the home and away from her care. We did not have the opportunity to run interference at this point, and to be honest, we would not in good conscience have been able to then anyway. Denyse didn’t ask questions; she just grabbed her purse and keys and flew out the door. We didn’t know why CPS was at the door or what his mom had done; it didn’t matter. Denyse just wanted to get to Theo. She was given permission by CPS to take him home with her for the time being. We found out later that his bio-mom had tested dirty, which warranted the immediate removal of Theo from her care. Denyse was given kinship rights to Theo at that time, which designates a relative or close family friend to become caregiver of the child when the parents are unable to do so.
The bio-mom was the one who set the kinship agreement in motion, asking Denyse to take Theo. She actually signed a form at that time saying that she willfully gave Denyse kinship rights to keep Theo. This is an important detail to bear in mind due to the allegations she made later on in the story, alleging that Denyse took Theo from her without permission and refused to give him back, which equates to kidnapping. She told that story everywhere and, as ridiculous as it sounds, numerous people bought into that lie. How could somebody just take somebody else’s child from them without copping federal charges? Some people just want to believe nonsense about others.
One of the saddest parts of this moment in time was that CPS now had temporary custody of Theo, so he was now officially in the foster care system. Denyse had physical custody, but CPS retained temporary legal custody, which means they had the legal right to make decisions on his behalf while the case was pending. Everything we did had to go through CPS first, which made sense and protected us somewhat. They always put the best interest of the child ahead of everything and everyone else, and Theo’s case was no different. They made decisions about his medical care, his learning and education, his therapy, and even his haircuts. Theo’s biological parents still retained legal parental rights because the case hadn’t gone before a judge yet. Let me tell you, I struggled with this a bit, as I didn’t think they deserved any rights at this point.
It took me a long time to understand the policies and procedures of CPS and the legal process of the court system. It seemed pretty complex to me in the beginning and, truth be told, insane to me at times. I am the kind of person who wants things to make sense, and when they don’t (at least to me), I get frustrated and think they should have consulted with me about the best way to go about things. Am I alone in this, or can I get a witness? I am definitely a work in progress.
It seemed like we were constantly under a microscope, and our every move was being monitored, judged, and scrutinized, as it should have been, but it was a little unnerving at times. I wasn’t thrilled about the number of people who were in and out of our home during this process, looking around, asking invasive questions, writing down notes like a psychiatrist who suddenly had an epiphany that you belonged to the cray-cray club. I was on edge a lot, fearful that I might make one little mistake by something I said or did that could be used against us to jeopardize this case. I didn’t know what that might be, but it was stressful.
I think one of the reasons I was so paranoid was because of the numerous times we had to answer ridiculous accusations that bio-mom brought against us. Once an accusation was made, we were on the hook to defend ourselves and prove that it was false. It wasn’t a matter of being innocent until proven guilty; it was guilty until proven innocent. Since a child was involved, this was the best way for CPS to be proactive in protecting the child.
One such incident involved Theo’s hair. It took his hair forever to grow, but when it finally did, it came in with the most adorable curls ever. People would always comment on how cute his hair was. It was definitely a “business in the front, and party in the back” look, but it was Theo. People ate up those curls. We had no idea they would be used against us!
Denyse went to great lengths to make sure Theo was always clean and well-dressed because we did not want him being judged by how he looked, due mostly to who his family was, or because he was in the foster care system. We got a lot of compliments on Theo’s appearance. It wasn’t about spending a lot of money on his wardrobe (we were and are frequent flyers of the store Once Upon a Child); it was about him looking good and feeling good about himself. So, while he was in our care, he was a clean, sharp-dressed, little man. However, despite our best efforts, Theo’s bio-mom filed a claim against Denyse for neglect because Theo’s hair had not been cut. Neglect? Are you kidding me? Jesus, help me.
Since a report was filed, CPS had to address it, and we were told that we needed to get Theo a haircut. We were kicking around getting it cut anyway, but being forced to felt wrong. We had hesitated because his bio-mom always tried to insert herself into Theo’s life moments so she could document them and push out pictures on social media to make it look like she was mother of the year, and that truly was not the case at this point in the journey. An interesting side note, though, which further proves the support and opportunities we gave her to be a good mom to Theo, was that I recognized her as Christ Covenant’s Mother of the Year the first Mother’s Day after Theo was born. I felt she was beating the odds, doing a wonderful job with him, and she deserved to be rewarded for her efforts. We sincerely wanted this to end well for the two of them, but she did not hold up her end of that deal.
My Irish ire came up over this neglect accusation. You might think that I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up over a simple haircut, and maybe you are right, but it hurt my feelings for Denyse. A lot had transpired between the time Denyse picked Theo up on November 24, 2021, and this point, December 7, 2023. It had been over two years, and bio-mom still had not earned the right to have unsupervised visits; she was not allowed to have any contact with Theo without supervision. That says a lot.
Bio-mom had not been granted unsupervised visits because CPS deemed it would not be in Theo’s best interest. So, why should she have a say in matters as personal as his hair? It was Denyse who had bathed him and washed his hair every day for the past 700+ days, sometimes with him kicking and screaming because he didn’t want to take a bath, but she fought through and always made sure he was clean and comfortable. But due to the fact that bio-mom maintained legal parental rights at this point, she still had a voice – a voice that caused us a lot of pain and suffering.
CPS asked us to take care of this as soon as we could, so we headed to Cookie Cutters the very next day. Bio-mom was nowhere to be found, and since she made it seem like it was such a “time-sensitive matter of neglect,” we got right on it. Was she happy about it? No. She was very angry because we didn’t give her the opportunity to be there. We didn’t work around her schedule, her transportation, or her demands; it was always about her. Unfortunately, she tried to get back at us through Theo during one of their visitations by brushing his new hairstyle out and telling him she didn’t like it. He didn’t know what to think, and now, the haircut that he was so proud of caused him angst. My stomach is churning as I write this. Who does that to a 3-year-old child?
Theo has always been a sensitive “little cuss” (as my grandma would say) and from a very young age seemed to take on the responsibility of trying to please everyone in his life as though their happiness depended on him. That is a lot for a little boy to take on. We did our best to help him navigate these big emotions and thoughts, and we shared our concerns with CPS. CPS thought it would be beneficial for Theo to attend play therapy, which we were all for, and it was a good outlet for him.
It is a horrible, selfish act to put a child in the middle of any conflict or to weaponize their love for you to cause hurt or harm to others. We were very intentional to never talk poorly about Theo’s bio-mom and family in front of him or allow anyone else to, regardless of how we felt. It wasn’t about us; it was about him. Admittedly, I had to bite my lip so often that it feels like there is a permanent piercing there now. I didn’t think it was fair that Theo had to deal with such foolishness, and I wanted to call them out for it, but it would have made the situation worse. Somebody had to be the bigger adult here, and it wasn’t me; it was usually Denyse. If adult play therapy was a thing, I probably would have been ordered to go.