While we were waiting for Theo’s grandmother to get medical clearance to take Theo back, we decided to get a professional photographer to do a mini photo shoot on August 27, 2022, for Theo’s second birthday, which we freely shared with his bio-family. When I look at those pictures, I see an incredibly happy little boy seemingly unaffected by what was happening in his world. I was so thankful he did not feel or know the turmoil that was churning in my head, heart, and belly. I still remember the pain that I could not quite shake, knowing it was just a matter of time before he went back to his bio-family.
During this waiting period, we also had his second birthday party. We held it at Momi Land in Dublin, which was one of Theo’s favorite places to play. We invited all of his bio-family to come, but he was still in our care. This was our second year in a row to organize and pay for his birthday party, but we did not mind; he deserved what every child deserves: to be celebrated.
Theo went back to live with his grandmother when she was medically released by her doctors in October of 2022, but she continued to experience some health issues, both physical and mental, which were putting additional stress on her relationship with her boyfriend. We did not know if what we were being told by the grandmother regarding these issues was the truth or not, as CPS seemed to be getting a different story. We usually took what the bio-family said with a grain of salt. We just knew that we would always be available if she needed help with Theo.
When Theo went back to his grandma’s this time, she did not allow us access to him as she had before. I think she was starting to get nervous that CPS was building a case against her, which they were, unbeknownst to us, and that they would find out we had him in our care more than she did at this point. The truth was starting to show itself; you can only cover it up so long, and it will find a way to come to the surface.
What we were seeing and hearing made the hair on the back of our necks stand up. It had come to our attention from outside sources that several members of Theo’s bio-family were heavily involved in pornographic practices and that unsavory people were frequenting Grandma’s house, which concerned us deeply. However, that is not a concern of CPS unless the pornography involves said child and the people in question in and out of the house have an open CPS case. We did not think that Theo was being exploited in this way, but how do you really know? The thought of that was eating us alive. By this time, there was no doubt in our minds that Theo was not in a good environment. We were ready to swoop in, but Grandma kept us at arm’s length, which only intensified our concern.
We thought it was the end of the road for us and Theo. The thought of this made it hard to catch my breath at times. Why did I love this little boy so much? I had a revelation by the Holy Spirit that my love for Theo was a God-ordained love that Creator God Himself had placed inside me, a love that could not be explained or denied. I was anointed by God to love Theo with a mother’s love. This is very humbling to me, and it raises the bar for my responsibility to Theo. I am so blessed that God chose me to have such a special place in Theo’s life and has allowed me to experience this kind of love.
November and December of 2022 are fuzzy to me as I attempted to move on with my life because it seemed like Theo’s future was leaning towards being in the custody of his bio-family. However, I was not doing a particularly good job of releasing the situation or him. It is extremely hard for me to give up control; God is still schooling me on this. I am better than I used to be, but I have not yet arrived. I always say that I trust God, but not all people, as if that somehow makes it ok, but it’s not. If I trust God, I have to trust Him with the people I cannot trust.
I missed and worried about Theo so much and felt like my time and relationship with him was slipping away. I really sensed that his bio-family was playing “nice” with us just for the time being, hoping to make themselves look good on paper so they would be rewarded with permanent custody. We were certain they would cut us out of their lives as soon as they officially got Theo back. It was a horrible thought! I remember picking him up from his grandmother’s house on one of the rare occasions when she allowed us to take him and driving him to the lake to spend time with us. He was around two years old, and he would just quietly stare out the window for the whole ride. We could tell he was thinking and trying to process everything that he had seen, heard, and experienced.
I know that his bio-family did not try to shield him from the conversations they would have about him, us, CPS, the courts, and everything else adult in their lives. This is one of my biggest pet peeves; parents, please do not say too much around your children. They really do not need to know everything about your life, your troubles, or the gory details of what you went through based on the defense that you are an open book with your kids and that you do not keep anything from them; well, you should. Sometimes you are asking their little minds to process things they are not prepared or developed to process.
We made it a point to never discuss the case or Theo’s biologicals in front of him. We definitely did not talk badly about them in any way, shape, or form when he was present. In fact, when CPS would come for their monthly home visits later on in the case, I would play with Theo and distract him from the conversation because I did not want him to overhear something that would hurt his little heart. It is our responsibility as adults to do everything in our power to protect the tender hearts of children. This has remained one of my unyielding focuses on behalf of Theo.
It breaks me when Theo gets his feelings hurt or when something painful concerns him. I know it is a part of life and growing up, but I do not like seeing him upset. I am very defensive when it comes to people I love. I have worked hard on tempering that down and letting more things go, but all you parents out there know what I am talking about. We can lose our minds sometimes. A case in point is the example below.
At 59 years old, I had to get schooled on adult playground etiquette. Kids are going to be mean, say unkind things, and possibly exclude your child from playing with them. I did not think that this type of playground conduct was acceptable, so I would bring it to the attention of said child who was being mean to Theo, which I now know is frowned upon and is not an accepted adult approach to playground conflict. It is the parent’s responsibility to jump in and correct their child’s behavior, not a stranger danger, aggressive, old woman. And, if said parents do not correct their child, then it is what it is, and you have to roll with it. That is not the easiest lesson to learn.
Denyse would shake her head, occasionally laugh, and direct me away from going toe to toe with a grade schooler. What was wrong with me? Why would an adult ever argue with someone else’s child on a playground over something as small as hurting their own child’s feelings? It seems ridiculous, but I learned that when your child is in the mix, it is a totally different ballgame. I had to buck up and fly right. I needed to be a good example for Theo. In the words of Kenny Rogers, “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” I have been a fierce protector of Theo for over four years, and I will continue to be so with my last breath and, hopefully, it is not on the playground.
I wanted to be the type of parent that turns these kinds of experiences into positive lessons for their children. Denyse and I reminded Theo that he should never make another child feel like he did when his feelings were hurt, that he was to be kind, polite, and inclusive. We told him that being an all-around good kid goes a long way, and he became just that. One of the things I love most about Theo is his kindness towards others and the way that he embraces all kids regardless of their wardrobe, race, or disability. He has a special touch with children who have autism. There have been a few cases in his short little life that have deeply touched the adults who have observed this characteristic in him.
Theo has become a voice for those who cannot speak, and he is a fierce protector of those who cannot fight for themselves. I have seen it time and time again. I love this about him. Maybe I had a little bit to do with this part of his being, which makes me incredibly happy. His kindness and love for people are precious, and that means so much to us. We do not ever want violence to be a part of his nature, as it is not attractive and it displeases God. If he had not been removed from his bio-family, the odds of him becoming violent were high.
Research shows that genetic predispositions and environmental factors increase the likelihood of domestic violence tendencies. It is so commonplace in Theo’s bio-family that I think they believed it was normal behavior. We do not want Theo to be that kind of man when he grows up. We want to teach him the ways of God in resolving conflict. I know from past experience that it is better to take a breath and walk away than to throw fists. I do not ever want him to have regrets in this arena because they are haunting.